Long Relationships

It’s that time again this week and Short Sweet Love Poems has another thought-provoking question for us to answer. If you answer these questions on your own blog, be sure to leave me a link in the comments.

In many relationships, people grow out of love. They change along the way with one partner drifting further and further away from the other on an emotional level.

It is a sad situation but I think it is also a reality among many married couples today.

My question to you this week for Love Q #15: Should couples stay together for the sake of the kids when love is no longer present? Can it work?

While I have no doubt it can work at a functional level, I don’t believe couples should stay together just for the kids.

It’s no secret that the things we observe in childhood influence us as adults. It’s been proven in studies (you’re going to have to take my word for it because I can’t find the study I have in mind) that we are attracted to people with similar backgrounds. With those things working for most of us in our relationships, we’re likely to repeat what our parents have done in both good and bad things.

While you could argue that divorce might lead to a higher chance of divorce for the children, isn’t demonstrating doing what is good for people involved is better than staying in situations simply for the sake of others? The children may not understand at the time, but if you are open and honest about what is going on, they eventually will.

What do you think?

While talking to one of our mutual friends, a woman, my husband said that “guys don’t like their lives put out on display”. They like to keep things private when and where possible when it comes to personal and family things. While every guy can be different, I have to admit that pretty much every guy I have ever known feels the same way.

The person he was talking to writes about anything and everything – and that’s one of the things I love about her and her blog. However, I know that I would never blog to the intimate detail she does when it comes to the negative times in her relationship.

I have learned the negative side of blogging about your life, no matter how ‘anonymously’ you think you’re actually being. Even if my husband and I go through the worst of fights, I don’t blog specifics and rarely blog about the fight. I do blog positives, but again, I leave out details whenever I feel it might be something my husband doesn’t care to have the public to know.

BUT, I don’t hold it against people who do. The temptation for ‘blog therapy’ can be strong and it’s so easy to do… I don’t think it’s wrong at all if both you and your partner are okay with it, but that is a discussion you need to have before you just go ahead and do it.

How do you feel about blogging about your personal life (and your partner’s life)? Do you believe ‘as long as it’s anonymous’ or do you think ‘what happens in Vegas…’? Somewhere in between?

Last Friday I went to see a naturopath so I could get a diet sorted out. I have a lot of difficulty losing weight for a number of reasons and so got allergy/intolerance/sensitivity testing. All in all, it was worth the money I spent (it wasn’t covered by Medicare) and quite enlightening. However, it means that for the next six weeks, I’m on a very restrictive diet. (So I can get back to ‘base’ before I get tested and lose some weight in the mean time as well.)

Last night my husband could feel my frustration at things as I went through the lists I had. Some things were good on one list only to be listed as bad on the other. Not a lot of fun, but I figured out things enough to at least be able to eat for the next few days.

This morning I woke up to an email that said “Welcome to Your New Life” from my husband that was filled with love and support. He let me know that, as always, he is 100% there for me and also reminded me why I’m making these sacrifices (weight loss, confidence, healthy body for children).

I couldn’t help but smile and feel great about what I was doing (even if I did have to eat oats for brekkie…) and what I wanted to accomplish.

As much as he’ll refuse to admit it, my husband can be quite romantic and thoughtful.

What are the most memorable little shows of support and love from your partner for you? What did s/he do and why did it mean a lot to you?

Hello all and TGIF, right? Well, by the time it’s starting to be Friday where a lot of you live, it’s already Friday afternoon here, but that’s beside the point. It’s Friday and that’s a good thing. It’s also the start of the month of my birth, which puts me in a pretty good mood.

Today I have decided to do something a little different (that we have done here once before, but we did it months ago). I have my usual Friday post, but I do tend to be an easily bored person, so switching things up every now and then makes me happy.

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Your Partner

Question: What was the first thing about your partner that truly attracted you to him/her?

I was wondering when the topic of money was going to come up…

From Short Sweet Love Poems…

Let’s talk about money this week, shall we?

There are certainly pros and cons to this issue. For instance, if you pool your money together, you are taking steps to save for the future. On the other hand, if you have separate accounts, there is not much pressure to account for money spent which may be better for the relationship as a whole.

For Love Q #14, let me pose this: Should you have a joint account with your partner? And should you keep tabs on what he or she may be spending on?

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in a relationship to have a joint account with your partner. I do with my partner in part because we needed ways to prove that I was really here for good in my Spousal Visa application. It’s also convenient in that our shared account is our shared expenses account – like groceries. I can pick things up, he can, or we can.

I think what is important is not to have *only* a joint account. You need to have your own personal account as well for freedom and a sense of privacy.

I don’t think you should keep tabs, but that’s a matter of trust in the relationship. My husband trusts me to pay my bills (student loan, medical) with what I earn. I trust my husband to pay our household bills with what he earns. The rest goes in our shared account, and a little bit to each of our personal accounts.

Keeping tabs is, I think, a way of saying you don’t trust the person. And if you can’t be open and honest even along the lines of, “I use about $__ a month just for comfort stuff for me” and be open for discussion, then something is wrong there.

Yesterday I had a ‘need to get out of the house’ day which involved me wandering around various parts of town and doing a lot of window shopping/pointless meandering. At a certain part of town, there is a craft shop that I always see the sign for and never go in – despite being a bit of a crafty person.

I decided it was long past time I go in there and I did so.

It turns out that the owner of the shop likes to talk. A lot. After introducing myself and him picking me out as an American – Aussies treat ‘name that accent’ like a game, almost – he asked me what brought me over to this fine continent. I told him my Aussie bloke and he immediately said, “You met on the internet, didn’t you?”

Now this guy was a ‘good ol’ Aussie bloke’ with a few years on him. The fact that he jumped right to an internet meet-up is something I take as a sign of the times.

Though it is still regarded with a bit of resistance from a lot of areas, online romances are becoming a lot more popular. And it’s no wonder why. With more people looking to ‘expand their possibilities’, the internet is the natural place to look.

Now, I’ve written about online romance before, but I couldn’t help but touch on it again after this guy’s reaction. Now, I asked you before about your personal experiences with online romance. Today I’d like to throw out a bit broader spectrum.

How many people do you know have had romances online? Of those, how many are currently in an online romance? How many have met the other person? How many have/are in an international romance? What countries?

Tell me your online romance stories.

As I’ve mentioned before, last week I was working on a huge project that pretty much had me exhausted by the time I finally went to bed at night. As you can imagine, all that time with me working away left my husband to pick up the slack of responsibility that I usually take care of.

I knew that things were wearing on him like they were on me, and as he climbed into bed the other night, I could tell something was wrong. I decided it was way past time for a ‘check in’ so, even though we were both tired, I prodded him a bit about how he was feeling.

After a while of sliding around the issue, he said, “Well, when you went to bed, you didn’t turn everything off. The heater, the lights, the television. You left it all for me to take care of.”

I felt bad for doing that and apologized, explaining that my head was so stuffy and fuzzy from being tired that I just didn’t think. Usually my apology makes him feel better because he’ll know I’ll work on my behavior. But instead of saying that he understood, he said:

“Yes, but if you were living alone, would you have left all those things on?”

I paused for a moment and all I could think of to say was, “Touche.”

Now, I have always been a person who tries to make sure not to take things for granted, so hearing that from him came as a bit of a blow, to say the least. I know he didn’t mean it to hurt me whatsoever, but it was his way of letting me know that I was taking him for granted.

I’ve since been doing things to let him know how much I appreciate him as well as being conscious of taking care of things that I can do myself instead of just expecting him to do them.

Do you take your partner for granted? Even if it’s just with things like turning off the lights or doing the laundry?

It’s hard to believe that I have been writing for this site going on a year now. The anniversary of my first post is still a couple months away, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it has been that long.

I regard my writing for this site like I regard many of my relationships: I went in thinking I knew quite a bit and I’ve changed a lot for the better as time as passed. While I admit to having fun writing about today’s couple and sex, I have even more fun hearing the stories about your relationships.

Recently I tested out the Skribit add-on which basically lets the readers suggest content for the blog owners. I tried it on a few of my sites and was pretty much met with a collective yawn from my readers. Which I could take to mean that I’m totally fabulous and cover everything that could possibly be covered by relationships…

…but I won’t.

The one suggestion for a topic I did get was, “Do you have writer’s block?” I thought it only appropriate to answer.

Yes and no.

Because I, like you, work for a living – even if I happen to do so from home – I occasionally get exhausted with the day to day of things. Lately I have been working my ample rear end off on a work project not related to this site, and I’ve found writing for all my blogs hasn’t been the easiest of tasks.

However, the no comes in where it’s not that I don’t know what to write about most of the time – it’s that I like to know what you want to read about. It’s all fine and well for me to go off about the influence of your parents’ relationship on your own, you might be interested in the relationships of celebrities, relationships and astrology, or non-romantic relationships.

So, if it seems like I ask often what you would like to read here, it’s not because I’m trying to grab ideas from you; I’m just trying to give you content that you would like to read.

This past week I have been working on a massive work thing that pretty much had me working from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep (usually late at night most nights). Because of this, cleaning has fallen behind, I haven’t been cooking dinner at all, and I have spent most of my time on the computer ignoring him.

If there was ever a time my husband deserved a love letter, it’s now.

Dear love of mine,

You’ve done well this week and I’m proud of you. I suppose it’s a weird thing to be proud of you for, but you have tolerated my cranky days, my pretty much refusal to cook anything or do any housework because I have been working, and all the rest better than I would have.

I love you so much for understanding how important it is to me to also earn money for us. How important it is to me to help out footing the bills and such. Thank you for picking up my slack this past week, even though you had plenty going on at your own job and would have been very happy to not have to deal with any of that stuff.

I won’t forget everything you’ve done for me, both this week and in our whole relationship. I appreciate you every day and I’ll never forget to show you how much I love you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you’ve done this past week.

You can look forward to a lovely week this week. I promise.

Love always,

JM

We have another good question this week from Short Sweet Love Poems that could get a bit interesting…

When we first start out on a relationship, we will usually try to look our best. We will think a little (or a lot) of what to wear, which perfume to put on and so on. After a while, though, when the excitement has died down and we start to get comfortable in the relationship, many tend to slack on their appearance.

Which brings me to Love Q #13:

Does appearance matter in a relationship? Should you always try to look your best for your date?

This is a fun one. I reckon that on the first date, you should go somewhere that you’ll get really messy. Paintballing, four-wheeling, etc. It breaks the ice quite nicely, getting down and dirty (not in a naughty way) on the first date.

That being said, appearances to matter to a certain extent. While I think constant ‘flawlessness’ is a bit much to expect of anyone (and could border on an obsessive compulsive disorder), I also think that your appearance tells other people how much you care about yourself.

No one wants to be with someone with really bad hygiene and neither does anybody want to be with people who don’t care about themselves in general. If you can’t muster up the energy to care about yourself, can you really maintain a healthy relationship?

I’d love to hear what you think. Leave your comments here or leave me a link to your blog where you answered the question.

Have a great day!

A few nights ago, my husband and I sat down at the pub and our conversation wandered to the marital problems a friend of mine is/was having with her husband. She had mentioned to me that she was shocked when her husband told her that he feels inferior to her.

I wasn’t shocked at all, given that she’s a very strong, independent woman (and raised by a single mother as well). She’s used to doing things on her own and doing whatever is needed to get things done. She’s used to taking care of herself and others and isn’t used to relying on others.

I went on to tell my husband, and he agreed, that a lot of the conflict between her and her husband was probably stemming from the fact that she wasn’t letting him be ‘the man’. She takes care of the children, feeds them, clothes them, cleans the house, works, and does all sorts of things. When he tries to be assertive and put his foot down, it usually has to correspond to her terms anyway, so it takes away whatever good ego he could gain.

My husband then said, “It’s difficult for men in this day and age. Women and their roles have changed dramatically over the past decades. There are groups, support networks, and even laws that have helped women to change. That’s not a bad thing, but where are all the men’s groups to help them deal with and change along with them? There are none. Or, if there are, guys don’t want to go because we don’t like sharing our feelings.”

What I consider to be the most valuable pieces of advice I have learned when it comes to relationships is this: Let your man open the pickle jar every once in a while.

Basically, let a man truly be a man every once in a while. Let him pull out your chair, open the pickle jar, mow the lawn, do something for you to remind him that he’s male, masculine.

However, I know that there are women out there who would be furious to read such a thing from a modern woman. Heaven forbid the vice versa – let a woman be a woman and not feel guilty for feeling delicate or wanting help fixing something – be uttered.

What do you think? Do you think men and women still need ‘roles’ or do you think we have moved above and beyond that? Has political correctness been taken too far in relationships, too?

My husband and I have enough years between us that we occasionally get looks from people. It doesn’t happen all the time and it’s very rarely an unpleasant look, but we do like to joke about when we get ‘the look’ from other people. When I’m in a mischievous mood, I make sure to kiss my husband while the person/people in question is/are looking.

In general, I like kissing and cuddling with my husband no matter where we are. I make sure to not do those sorts of things when I’m volunteering where he works, but otherwise I don’t much care. Our friends sometimes tease us a bit about it, but we’ve never had any real complaints.

However, there is a point where too much is too much. I don’t think there will ever be a point in my life when I think making out in public is okay. Kissing, okay. Making out (lip locked for five seconds or more, by my definition), not so okay. It’s not something I would want to watch, so it’s not something I do.

Most couples I see keep it to holding hands, hugs, and quick little kisses. That’s perfectly fine with me. People should be able to express affection in at least a moderate way even if they are in public. But I’ve seen the downright ‘ugh’ moments of a couple (usually teens) not only making out but feeling each other up as well.

That doesn’t fly so much with me.

Where do you draw the line? What’s acceptable in public and what isn’t?

Short Sweet Love Poems has thrown quite the interesting one at us this week in her Love Questions series, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Nowadays, having extra-marital affairs is not something uncommon. Many people get involved with a third party at some point in their relationship and they would try to hide the affair from their partner.

If you have cheated on your partner, would you confess? But if you are the one being cheated upon, would you prefer your partner to tell or not to tell?

Telling may hurt someone you care about, but if you cared that much about hurting that person’s feelings in the first place, you probably wouldn’t have cheated.

Okay, that’s a bit rough and I apologize. However, I believe that you should be honest even if you have ‘gotten away’ with it. The thing is that even if your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, it’s more than likely s/he suspects something is ‘off’. And it’s that feeling of ‘off’ that will bring you troubles later.

So, would you rather your partner hear it from you sooner? Or would you rather things reach critical mass sometime down the road and s/he possibly hears it from someone else? We very often accuse and condemn people for what we ourselves are guilty of, so do you really think you can control your subconscious so completely?

I would want my partner to tell me. Even facing the hurt and anguish of being cheated on is better than not knowing what it is that is ‘off’ and causing friction in the relationship.

What do you think?

It seems the fun isn’t quite yet over at 451 headquarters.

451 management recently purchased all kinds of new equipment and is in the process of switching everything over to those new systems. As you can imagine, doing all that isn’t easy and comes with its own hiccups.

I’ve been told that the blogs shouldn’t experience a lot of down time, but you can expect hiccups, burps, and maybe even the occasional fart in the next few days. Be assured that everything will still be puttering along and you should definitely come back!

I promise you that we are just as tired as you when it comes to the sites’ down time. Hopefully everything will be switched over by the end of this week and next week we will be running back to normal next week. (Or maybe even starting this weekend…)

Again, I’m so, so sorry for the down time. I know that, even when it’s out of your hands, a blog having down time can reflect negatively on the blogger. I have some interesting things coming up in the future, though, so I hope that is enough to keep you coming back.

And, just to keep you entertained while things are getting taken care of (not that I think you can’t entertain yourselves), here is the link to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along blog. There is a lot of fun to be had and the final installment is coming soon!

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Be well and have a fantastic rest of the week.

Hello all. Today I have decided to not only test out Skribit but to give you the chance to have a bit more say about the things you would like to see more of on this site. I’m going to leave this up for at least all of Wednesday (today), so feel free to suggest for all sorts of things, vote for them, etc.

I’m not completely sure this is going to work the way I’d like it to, so if you encounter any problems, leave a comment. If I take this post down, don’t worry - I’ll read all the suggestions first. Let me know if you think having this suggestion box here is useful or not. (I think it will be useful, but hey, you never know, and I do like getting my readers’ opinions.)

Have an excellent day.